aka: Oh, what a difference a decade makes.
So, I don’t think there is anyone who reads this who really knew me in high school, or at least well enough to know what I’m about to reveal:
I was a teenage drama queen.
No, really, I was. I come from a long line of master manipulators and boy-howdie could I bend a certain type of person around my pinkie to get what I wanted. Not that I was out for material gain, I wanted attention. I wanted the world to focus on me and my inner turmoil. Of course, being a teenager in a pre-internet society (back in the early 90s email and the web were still the purveyance of uber-geeks) I was afflicted with that small world-view many faced. I didn’t watch TV, even, so I was somewhat removed from current events of the world instead preffering to read books (not magazines or newspapers) in my room. Granted, about half of them were literary classics and the sort but the other half were pure teen drama. Thus my point of view was strictly colored towards the same.
But I’m digressing, here (some things never change).
The point of my above confession, is to point out how I’ve grown in my response to real and percieved slights. After high school I became painfully aware that my machinations were prone to backfire (i.e. karma’s a bitch), that a manipulated situation was never a satisfying situation for long, and that I wanted something a little more true in my life. Thus, I stopped manipulating situations. I became more straight-forward in my dealings with people, and while less dramatic, it was better. I think, too, that this is why I’m so abhorent of the passive-agressive tactics of some people. Because, really, what is the point of a passive-agressive non-confrontation? To manipulate a person or situation without actually having to cause a scene or be the bad guy/girl. Pah.
Again with the digressing! I swear, there’s a point, and it’s rapidly approaching.
So! Coronation weekend. I’m working away in the kitchen as are others. Someone passes by and I notice a very particular ribbon hanging from a belt it was not intended for. Further inspection shows that it’s not only in the wrong place, it’s being used to hang a thank-you gift from another person. All of this while I’m working, and still have much of the event to get through before, I choose to say nothing at the time so as a) not to cause a scene and b) disrupt the work that needs to be done by all involved parties. Oh but I was mad.
See, this particular ribbon has a certain signifigance between myself and a certain gentleman, as it adorned a very personal gift last winter. It was because of this, that the certain gentleman asked for a length of that ribbon to wear as my favor. It was truly unexpected and I was very touched at the gesture and the honor it not so much implied but solidified as certain declarations had already been made. At Gulf Wars this past March I gave him said ribbon for said purpose and he wore it while fighting that week. (collective ‘awwww’ out of the way?? good, let’s move on)
Now, granted, the SCA is a game, and we each play it at different levels. I’m not arguing that. However, the ‘rules’ are based upon the medieval chivalric code, and the giving, receiving, and bearing of favors is one of those areas that is often misunderstood but has delightful potential to enhance the game greatly. As I said, I was touched when he asked to carry my favor. I had hoped to be able to turn the ribbon into something a bit more striking than just its basic self, but other committments prevailed, so a plain ribbon it stayed, and really since that is what he’d asked for it was fine, just my over-acheiver self trying to do its thing. Oh well.
Now, in the back of my mind, when this was noticed, I did think of calling the person out who was not only improperly wearing it but using it as a generic piece of string. Cat fight anyone? No, thank you. Besides, I tried to rationalize, it might have been a simple mistake, the wearer might not know what the ribbon was for and just used it because it was there. [not that it really helps, since it should have been kept not exactly sacred by the recipient, but at least better kept up with than to allow someone to view it as simply a spare bit of trim…. pun so very not intended for those of that mind]
Still, the small voice of the drama queen chattered in my inner ear. How would such a thing be handled in period? It probably would not have been unthinkable to have gone to another gentleman, a friend and one who might be sympathetic to the dual slight I’d been dealt, and request his aid at righting the wrong however he saw fit as I was just unable to face the involved parties on my own [*eyelashes batting* this is very much what I might have done back in high school and the like, back when I still demanded so much attention and so much drama. of course, at that time I would have had more than one male friend as confidant and champion who I could be sure would rile on my behalf… is it any wonder I had way more male friends than female back then?]
As it was, I kept my mouth shut. I finished the event without a word to anyone on the matter and, once home and having let an evening pass, I sent an email to the gentleman [chivalry in the electronic age] on behalf of my persona, detailing the slights he’d dealt me by his careless treatment of that token of honor and demanding it’s return. Though he did apologize (in the form of pleaded ignorance of proper favor ettiquette) for the one slight of using it to hang a gift from another (the lesser slight, I assure you) he did not even bother to address the greater slight, that of it hanging from the belt of another person.
Now, for those why might be wondering: am I still mad? No, not really. Insulted, somewhat. Hurt, only in the realm of the game we play. The thing is, it wasn’t that the favor was mistreated as much as I blame myself for assuming that the gentleman who requested the favor knew what he was asking. That’s my fault, I suppose, for not being more clear and for getting slightly swept up in the romance of the gesture. Yes, even a cynic such as myself is capable of getting swept up, for good and ill.
Then why write all of this out? To whine without really whining? Absolutely not. To get sympathy from others of like mind? Nope. To pat myself on the back for being such a grown-up? No, more to reflect. Since I hang out in my own head so very much things like this tend to get turned over and over and over in my brain. My blog is my personal space for things that I find interesting or just want to put out there, and I know some of my friends read it and, well, if it gives y’all a bit of insight into who I actually am, there’s nothing wrong with that. Plus, others might find it interesting (oh come on, we *all* have an inner drama queen). Mainly though, I was hoping that by getting it on the blog it might end the ruminating on it in my head so I can move on to other things 🙂
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