Scraps (n. ,fem., singular)

So the weekend at Vulkon was a blast. Met lots of great people, had fun and even got some inking done while helping out at the SoulGeek table.

Today was Spec and I’s 1-year anniversary of our first in-person date. Since we’re still together and were handy this weekend, Dino wanted to do a quick video interview that he could take to some investors in the near future as proof that the site actually does what it set out to do. Of course we were more than willing to help out for the obvious reasons and things were going swimmingly until the last question…

Dino: So now I’m going to ask one final question which you may or may not want to answer and if you don’t its okay, we’ll just edit it out: Are their wedding bells in your future.

Oy. A little warning would have been nice.

And see, here’s the thing: Spectrum and I have talked about this before, including in the car on the way to the Con on Friday! Mainly we’ve talked about the fact that I don’t see marriage as a requirement in my life anymore and that I’m not all that sure it works for me as an individual. But it’s one thing to talk amongst our selves about it, and know where we stand and another to be asked the question by someone else. With a camera pointed in our faces. And I haven’t been able to get it out of my head since then, so this is me trying to work through it, publically, and see if I can explain myself a little better than I did at the moment.

Now, I said to Dino’s video camera that it was highly unlikely since I didn’t really believe in marriage anymore. Spec also explained as how his divorce is still rather recent (a little over a year). But, for my part, I over simplified it in the confusion, or maybe I didn’t, I don’t know…

I firmly believe that a marriage certificate changes me. I’ve seen it happen twice, now, where I become a version of myself that I neither like nor can maintain for more than a few years (3 tops, apparently). Now, maybe this has something to do with the other person involved, maybe not, but I’m the common denominator so I have to accept the majority of the responsibility here. After giving the matter some thought over the years I’ve concluded that the marriage certificate is a contract (duh) that says I’m gonna be there no matter what until I die. Even though we know (obviously) that divorce isn’t a non-option, it’s still not something I was happy to do (neither would I choose, however, to still be married to either of my husbands after all that has happened and the person I’ve been able to become through my various life experiences, divorces included).

Instead, in a pre-marriage relationship, you (I) make the choice each and every day to be there. To be a part of that relationship. To be with that person. There’s no contract holding you there, it’s purely choice. And to me, that means a whole hell of a lot more than some ugly form with some signatures and a seal that you usually only have a grainy photocopy of anyway. And I think that even though most people don’t think about it to that level, this is why almost every relationship changes once you become married, even if you were living together for years before tieing the knot, the ceremony, the legal contract you enter into, changed that.

Previously I’ve said that the only reason I could see marrying again is if I got pregnant (unintentionally, of course, as that’s a WHOLE ‘nother blog post), although even now I’m not sure it would be an automatic thing. I did think of another, though, that being that if the person I was with really had their heart set on that piece of paper (which, I know, to many it’s more than a piece of paper, it’s a symbol, a statement, and tons of people would give their right arm for the chance to be able to make that statement, I get that, that’s just not my point) then I might consider it, depending on the situation. It’d take a lot of soul-searching on my part, but we sometimes do things we’re not 100% about because those we love ask us to and make them happy take care of that small amount of doubt, so it’s not entirely out of the question. But that’s a serious exception to my general stance on the subject, the exception being that I wouldn’t want to lose someone that special over an aversion to a piece of paper. Know what I mean?

But here’s another thing, and this is probably a bigger reason that Dino’s question is still bugging me, hours later and utterly exhausted: it’s scary to think that far ahead.

I used to be the type of person to spin all sorts of future scenarios with the guy I was with, the whole happily-ever-after nine yards. For me, such exercises aren’t just daydreams, they’re plans. I tend to get attached to plans and don’t take changes to them (especially those that aren’t my idea) well–that, by the way, hasn’t really changed: I still don’t take changes well. When those plans would, inevitably, change or flat-out fail I’d be crushed. Looking back, hindsight being what it is, I almost feel like I jinxed things by planning so far ahead.

For the first time in my life, I’m able to just take things day by day, moment by moment, and that is incredibly freeing.

Now, we’ve made it to a year and since we managed that I’m able to work up the courage to plan a few months ahead. For instance, we have a cruise booked for January so obviously we plan to be together for a while longer. Also, we’re talking about moving in together when our individual leases are up in the Spring; the possibilities are there. We’ve touched on things farther out the way normal people do, but we’re not off building castles in the sky.

The bottom line right now, and what I have to keep reminding myself of, is that Spectrum and I love each other very much, we enjoy our time together and make each other happy. Right now I feel comfortable writing that we both want that to continue as long as possible. And we’re leaving it at that. And, really, that’s a good place to be able to leave things, you know?

I know Dino had no way of knowing what sort of tempest he’d stir up in my brain. It’s a logical question even in today’s society because marriage is still a traditional part of the relationship path even among the least orthodox of it’s members. And I’m not against other people getting married, for many it’s a wonderful experience and I admire them for that. I just don’t think it’s right for me anymore. My opinion could change, sure, that’s the great thing about opinions versus facts, but I’m not going to sit around and wait for that to happen or try to force it. I’m going to continue to be very much in love with a very wonderful guy, someone I’m so lucky to have in my life, and just enjoy what we have for as long as we are able to have it, hopefully for a long time to come.

And thank heavens for that. It seemed like it took forever to get started drawing tonight. In fact, the first panel of Wednesday’s strip took a full hour. But I’m really proud of some of the poses I managed to draw in the 2nd and 5th panels so it all balances out. Still working on Friday’s pencils but there’s several panels still virtually blank so they may spill over into tomorrow.

Now for something completely different. I’ve been sporadically exposing Spectrum to various movies he’s never watched before. This weekend is was Oscar! with Sylvester Stallone. I’m not really a Sly fan, but this movie makes me giggle whenever i see it. Last weekend it was Lemony Snickett’s a Series of Unfortunate Events, before that Coyote Ugly and before that Sugar and Spice. So far he’s found them all enjoyable and some (SnS, primarily) laugh-out-loud funny Granted, there are some movies I’d never ask him to watch (Clueless comes immediately to mind) but there are plenty of others I can mine for entertainment value.

Tags: movies, drawing

Looking at the to-do list I started the week with is a bit depressing, to be honest. I was able to cross off almost half of what I _did_ get done last night and this morning. Sigh…

Tasks accomplished 8.6 of 17 (some lines have multiple parts, hence the .6)
*Comics 4 out of 4
*Articles 1.6 out of 3
*House 0 out of 4
*Websites 2 out of 5
*Book 1 out of 1

Exercise (not included in to-do list count) 3 out of 7 days

Granted, I still have time today to complete a few more bits of the article list but technically I made that list on Sunday of last weekend, so the week is already up. Time to transcribe what’s left to this week’s list along with the new goals and hope that I manage to juggle things better this time around.

Away from the numbers it looks a little different. I spent quality time with my boyfriend and Mom, accomplished my first w-t-f update schedule with Random Acts…, made a boatload of banners to prepare for advertising said strip, scripted an entire month of RA strips, fought with the comicpress themes for several days, and managed to renew talks on a new opportunity for the webcomic. So what if i did pretty much nothing on the household chores? All in all, I think it counts as a success.

And, apparently, even enjoys it! This is so incredibly novel to me, lol. For those who are unaware, I am a trained chef so it’s somewhat understandable that I’m the cooking one of any given pair. But it should also be noted that both the ex-husbands were non-cooks. Sure, they could feed themselves when they had to (and one was a part-time dad so had to feed him and his son every other week) but they were one-trick-ponies when it came to something that didn’t require a box or bag. So, while I tend to try to avoid comparing one guy to any of the others in my past point-to-point, it still remains a very cool thing that Spectrum cooked dinner for me tonight and enjoyed it as much as I enjoy cooking for him. Just very cool, indeed.

Wow, so far I’m being very productive. But, then, I’m also going to be turning on the television soon so that could change.

Last night I worked on getting an article drafted after dinner, then Spectrum came over after spending his day unpacking his kitchen and bathroom. What follows is how we got from the cable guy (not the movie) to A Mighty Wind (the movie):

Spectrum tells me about his day which includes the partial installation of his Cable service. Extra cable needed to be run into another room and it was almost done when the crawlspace needed for access was found to be inhabited by a snake which took off farther into the crawl space when Spec tried to snag it (by the tail… he’s lucky he didn’t get bit!). This reminded me of Sneaky Snake, which is a song by Tom T Hall on a record of barnyard songs that I had a child that I’d recently rescued from Mom’s closet. Todd had never heard the song (and, of course, I could only remember two lines of it) and while I was in the ladies room looked it up on You Tube. While we were listening to the various TTH songs on there I grabbed the album cover. Well, there were some songs on there that we’re online so I proceeded to dig out my ancient stereo with the turntable on top and–lo and behold!–actually was able to play the album on it! That led to looking through the rest of the albums on the shelf and I found the one with the Battle of New Orleans on it. Which then put me in the mood to watch A Mighty Wind (which Spec hadn’t seen) so I dashed off to Blockbuster for the DVD. Unfortunately the DVD was very scratched but we were able to watch most of the movie without too much interference. Gotta love the way an evening can develop.

Today I finished up another article for eHow (one left for the month) and wrote about 16 pages on the script. I’m up to 77 pages now, the winner’s bar is totally reachable in the next 4 days. Now, though, I’m going to layout Tuesday’s comic (the last of Year 1!!!) and work on that last article for a bit.

I wanted to go out tonight and Spectrum wanted Chinese so we went out to Rice Bowl for dinner. Oh, so much food, so much good food. And, yes, some sushi as well

Writing-wise I drafted an eHow article and then maybe got another page or so done on Wedding Tarot. I admit, I was not incredibly on-task tonight but I did get a soupcon of work done. It counts. Relatively unforunately, Spec is planning to sign a lease on an apartment tomorrow so that means he’ll be going back to Louisiana again (sigh) so I want to hang out with him as much as I can. If that means pecking away at something on the couch next to him, so be it, and I’ll work like the devil when he’s away. But, you know, the sooner her leave the sooner he’ll be back for good, then we can figure out how to date in the same city when we’re not temporarily cohabiting. Whee!

Plus, I totally have him hooked on Real Housewives of New York City

So, after one week of ‘behaving’ myself food-wise and getting a little bit more movement in my day I have managed to knock off 4 pounds. Yay me! Yeah, yeah, I know full well it’s mostly water weight. I’m just happy to see the scale go down.

Saturday was J&S’s wedding and it was very sweet. I have to say it was a bit difficult to tamp down the irreverence with the well-placed thunder during the Eucharist (oh, yes, surprise! it was a full Mass! whee!) but what do you expect from a lapsed everything? Precisely. Then we came home, vegged out in front of the tube while I pecked a few more pages out on the WT script (up to 20 pages now), ordered pizza and enjoyed the evening.

Sunday was spent mostly working on this week’s comics. Not that they were incredibly difficult, it was just me warring with myself. It’s tough to stay on task when I have someone around I would rather be snuggled up with on the couch instead of hunched over a sheet or two of bristol. But they got done. And we made cookies last night!

Tonight I had to introduce him to the hilarity that is Madagascar. (I like to move it, move it!) Figured he could use the laughs after a day of apartment hunting and he was already watching Cars when I got home from the office Now that the comic is done, I think the major thing is going to be decided how best to waste the rest of the evening. (move it!)

Having someone (professional) do my taxes this year. A rather expensive experiment. Granted, I came out ahead by a little bit when all is said and done and I did learn some things from the tax dude and got to ask some questions about the self-employment tax estimates, etc. The system wasn’t set up to prepare those forms so I still have to do that on my own, but he gave me pre-addressed envelopes. (*mutter* for what I paid them they should be pre-stamped and filled with cash */mutter*)

Will I do it again? Not sure. I feel slightly more comfortable about my ability to do it myself but I really do like the fact that someone with WAY more experience than me is the one who scheduled the business deductions, etc. And at least I know now what this sort of thing runs and won’t face the same sticker shock. Not to mention I get to take today’s fee as a deduction NEXT year. I suppose it all washes out in the end.

In other news. Yay for a weekend spend mostly snuggling with Spectrum. Despite the rain we did manage to hit all four comic shops on Saturday along with Word Traffic. A couple of ethnic restaurants and Comedy Zone Saturday nights, some movies at home and dinner Sunday night with Mom and Molly rounded out our long weekend together. Oh, but I hated to see him drive away this afternoon! He did make it home safe and sound, though, so all’s well. And Vegas is only 2.5 weeks away

But only just. So I slept through the majority of the weekend which means I’m a bit behind the eight ball but this is nothing new: I merely have a better excuse this time. Intent on not falling behind I picked up dinner on the way home so I could get right to work when I hit the door. I had to bribe my way through finalizing three articles (with chapters from “Grave Apparel”) and force-march my way through tomorrow’s Random Acts… (which is much better art-wise than last week, when the cold just killed whatever talent I generally pretend to have) while listening to the end of Charmed Season 5 play on Minnie. I feel like I haven’t really stopped since I got home. And work wasn’t much better. I need another day off!

Anyway, with Spectrum coming for a visit this weekend I really need to get caught up on everything AND maybe get a little ahead so that I can fully enjoy his visit without having to squeeze work in. Meanwhile nothing really wants to give me a break, so I deal. Also gotta fit taxes in ASAP, at least to make sure I don’t owe anything with the extra 3rd quarter income I ended up with. Yay writing, boo self-employment taxes. Yay being responsible and taking care of them!

Coverage of my glorious weekend away is suspended for a bit to announce that I have a new baby sister! (No, y’all who know Mom haven’t missed a major occurrence) Her name is Molly, she’s 8 weeks and 5 pounds of Buddah-ful-bellied French Bulldog. I’d post a picture of her but my transfer cable is missing. I think it’s actually at the office, attached to the computer from when I brought it instead of the iPod cable.

The weekend was just absolutely lovely, though. New Orleans is as charming as ever and I’m definitely looking forward to my week-long excursion come May. Hopefully by then I’ll have some of the rewrites done and know more of what I need shots of. I also hope to get an interview or two with some gallery owners, so I can understand how they work in general and put on shows. Of course, I could do that here, too, I suppose. And may well.

And Spectrum was charming, too. We had a wonderful time just hanging out, wandering the city, and his work party was fun, too. You know, sometimes they can be odd if you don’t know anyone or your date abandons you (which he didn’t), yadda yadda yadda. But it was fun! Of course, some of his coworkers wanted to check me out, make sure I was making him happy, etc. I think I passed muster And then there was the food: Friday night we wandered into Cuvee for dinner, Saturday lunch was at the Lazy River (which is, apparently, an offshoot of Pat O’s), and Sunday brunch at Palace Cafe. It was really tough to leave but we managed to tear ourselves apart long enough to drive to the interstate where he went west and I east.

After stopping to meet Molly I finally got home just after 9ish. Long weekend. But I think I’d do it again in a heartbeat. A very particular heartbeat.

But now I am cold and alone in my apartment where the ambient temperature is so low that the liquid ganache in my truffles has solidified. Off to upload tomorrow’s comic and then to bed.

Because 11pm would actually be the 23rd hour, but that’s neither here nor there at this point. Suffice it to say, it’s rather late in the evening and I’m just now finishing up the stuff for the NaNo Kick-Off tomorrow night. Granted, I got a boat-load of stuff done tonight (tomorrow’s RA…, 4 laps at SLMP, a website, and now the kick-off tickets) but none of it was quick! Oh well, it’s all coming together. The resource page isn’t exactly pretty, but that can be done after the kick-off tomorrow (when I go add the write-in information as well… oops!); the important thing is that it’s up and all of the downloads seem to work (go me!).

Tomorrow is said kick-off, followed by more work on the resource page (change color schemes, add an icon or two, add the write-in information). Maybe try for the Ned-related bit of fluff that I really wanted to do last year but didn’t have time for. Start work on Thursday’s RA… if there’s time.

The party this weekend was unbelievably fun. I mean, I really got lucky with the group that came: everyone really did mesh well together and the last four of us were going strong til just after eleven. I, of course, have enough Spanish Fork Chicken Stew to last me the entire week (good thing, because I go into a no-cooking zone after a party) and some treats and salads, too. But I also need to get the apartment back to normal because I’m going to have a houseguest this weekend and I’d rather the place be more than just presentable.

And, of course, NaNoWriMo 2007 starts in the wee hours of Thursday. How is it November already? I know I probably ask this every year, but seriously, folks, where did the year go??? Anyway, the holidays are in full-swing now that Halloween is almost here. I do love this time of year but I have absolutely no freaking clue how I’m going to survive until New Years! The next two months are looking exceedingly hectic in the best possible way, but still, folks. Come January 1 I think it’ll be time for a complete and total pass out. Seriously.

Overslept. Only this time, I actually woke up on time, but didn’t /get/ up (very important distinction) and told myself that ‘5 more minutes’ lie which then took two hours. Whoops! So at 5 minutes to eight I was just getting up and calling the office to say I’d be late. Sigh… In truth I haven’t done that in quite a while and it’s not like I got in trouble or anything, but still. Hour late for work, what a way to start the day, huh?

And it was really one of those days for the first 3/4. I got a lot done, honestly, but I felt horrible, was cranky, and was super stressed. I think it might have been fall-out from last night. See, as I was writing last night’s entry who called me but RockStar, back from the dead (or nearly so, he really had gone through some serious medical stuff and work stuff and stuff stuff according his myspace and, really, it’s not like I was waiting around to hear from him). He wanted to chat… about himself… but things really seem to be solidifying for him so I’m happy. I don’t know if I mentioned it before but he tends to be surrounded by chaos and I have a suspicion that he’s more interested in me because I am way more stable than he will ever be.

And I told him as much. And that I would be happy to talk to him about things but, honestly, I couldn’t do the whole emotional scaffolding job that I usually do for people. Not this time. And he’s cool with it. Still says at some point he’s going to take me to dinner. We shall see.

But after this impromptu life-coaching session I decided to try and destress (even though it was already 11) by hitting the SG chatroom but that didn’t exactly work because there was a smidge of drama waiting inside. It’s okay, this has been going on a while and has nothing to do with SG but it didn’t quite hit the note of levity I was looking for. So at midnight I finally went to bed after reading for a bit. So it’s no wonder the whole getting up on time thing didn’t happen.

But today I managed to get several things off the work to-do list as well as (finally!) confirm a good place for the NaNo Kick-Off but getting there took the form of a mini internal tantrum (well, palmetto got a summary so it wasn’t completely internal but she also gave me the awesome idea that solved the Kick-Off riddle, so it’s okay) and then I was more tired than tantrumy but still, it was an improvement. Knowing how much I need to get ahead of the artcile count before the end of the month I went and checked out a new coffee shop after work and drafted my next article. Tomorrow I’ll go to All Saints and write another.

Also, once home, I finished watching “Knocked Up” (Oh em gee that’s some funny shit and I need to own that movie) and sketched out Thursdays RA… strip and I’ll start inking it when I finish this entry. I also got an email from a friend that put the dorkiest, stupidest, happiest grin on my face after returning “Knocked Up” to Blockbuster. I’m a dork, but I’m a happy dork. Off to ink!

Not that it was still an open case, but sometimes (when new evidence arrives) they have to be reopened.

I now know why I ran into Ried this weekend and had that moment of turmoil with my self-marginalizing answer of what I was doing. It was so I’d be prepared (with a better answer) when I ran into my high school boyfriend today at All Saints.

*headdesk*

In the interest of full disclosure, this was not merely a high school boyfriend–for there were many who wore that mantle. This was my high school fiance. Yes, Spring Break of our Senior Year he proposed and I, foolish girl that I was, accepted. Of course, then there was that whole issue where he broke it off on senior’s last day because my dating him gave him credibility with other girls and he wanted to ‘explore’ a bit. But, in true starry-eyed foolishness we ended up back together a few months later and back engaged. [Young and stupid, folks, young. and. stupid.] Of course, when /that/ time didn’t fly either I learned my lesson and the subsequent times he asked I answered no, no, a thousand times no. (See, I learned slower back then, but I did learn…)

Not that there’s any lasting bitterness (no, really, not being sarcastic here). You know, these things happen and we learn from our experiences. I’m still surprised he was the one to initiate the conversation (I was totally oblivious as I fiddled with my umbrella, trying to make sure I didn’t bask anyone with it or fling rain everywhere in the process of bundling it up before heading inside) as there was that whole Charater Reference thing while he was in the Navy… (sometime ask me about the dual lessons of ‘never put those things in writing’ and ‘hell hath no fury’) But it was cool, he recognized me, said hello, and came and chatted with me while I waited for my latte.

He has a wife, two sons, and two jobs. I’ve had two husbands, no kids, and the same job (give or take those months as the pastry chef) for 13 years. It’s not a competition or anything, but I definitely don’t have any regrets. And this time, when asked if I was still doing the cake thing (back then I was heavy into cake decorating and politics, my how things change) I was ready with a much better answer that got not only impressed raised eyebrows from him but a question from the barrista when I mentioned the graphic novel.

I’d say it’s a Wins-day, even if I did only get half an article written tonight.

I was cleaning out my Junk mail folder tonight (because I’d let it pile up this last week or so) and to make it easier to browse (in case something gets misclassified) I sort all emails by subject. This makes it really easy to see what’s definitely spam because it’s repeated a few dozen times or some such. There were some that caught my eye, though, and I thought I’d share:

Become a CSI: [Scraps]
Hmm… well, I do like /watching/ CSI and it might actually be a very fun job from a cerebral point of view, but I’m not so much on the dead bodies and gross stuff, so thank you but I’ll pass.

Become a teacher, [Scraps]
Again, intriguing. I actually thought at one point in time (back in high school) that teaching college would be fun (oh hell no, don’t put me in front of a room of surly teens, someone would surely go crazy, probably me). But still, I kinda like my current job so I’m good, but thanks.

Become the man you’ve always wanted to be.
Uh, no.

Look, I’ll admit, being a girl is not always the easiest thing in the world some days (like today having to go for that lovely speculum appointment), but there is no way in the world I would /ever/ want to be a man. Seriously. No penis envy here. No desire to be able to write my name in the snow (or sand, or whatever), etc. Not happening.

I don’t envy men, not really. I mean, sure, the business world caters to them by rote (but things are changing) and even the dunderheads have instant credibility (this needs to change faster) but why? Because of a Y-chromosome and exposed genetalia? I appreciate being able to be both feminine and competent in the same instant, and the element of surprise when I do something I’m otherwise ill-equipped or not suited for (in some man’s eyes) is delightful. And let’s not forget the shoe choices!

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate men. Not all of them. A great many human beings fill me unease and distaste–not just men. But those I consider friends are more important to me than all my three-dozen pairs of shoes combined! I’ve loved many in the past and hope to have the chance to love more in the future, some of them I even respected… and that’s becoming more and more important to me as the years go by.

Oh, listen to me, being all psuedo-profound. Phfft! Not that the above isn’t true, but there are other things I like about men. Like when I impress them. Because we live in (still) such a patriarchial society, gaining the respect and admiration of men for anything I do is incredibly flattering. I like how, sometimes, I feel protected around certain ones. Others allow me to do a little bit of nurturing (though I’m no one’s mother, least of all a grown man’s!) without feeling clung-to. Some come to me for advice (that’s a biggie) and some just find me amusing. We all play our parts with each other, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

But after two hours and a large latte I left All Saints with a 1000-word draft for my next eHow article. Whew! Pretty good since I only had the title and a vague idea of what I was trying to say in mind when I arrived. It’s so going to suck (for me, not All Saints of course) when the students are back in full-force and I’ll either have to find another place to write on Wednesday nights come November (as finals approach, so too do the crowds) or battle for a bit of table space.

The point being that writing away from home, away from familiar distractions, is really working for me. The down-side is getting home at almost 8 on these nights, still needing to cook dinner, usually, and not being able to start on something else by the time that’s all done. Small price to pay, I agree, which is why I’ve stuck with so far.

This current article (on managing a webcomic) needs to be submitted by Monday so I’m shooting for final revisions on Sunday and upload that night. I have one illustration to do for it (which will work so much better, I think, than a mere stock photograph of a computer monitor or some such) and at least one round of editing, but the meat is there.

And when I got home, RockStar called. He’d actually tried to call last night but I was in editing mode and did not hear the phone. (Note: when I replace the current cell, I really need to get one with an obnoxiously loud ringer and one with more than 4 ‘rings’ before it heads to voice mail.) There may actually be plans afoot for this weekend. But! As I explained to him, I don’t do vague/maybe/we’ll see at all well: call me when you’ve got a plan (Ah, there’s the Scraps we know and loathe). So we shall see.

I have a nagging suspicion there’s something I’m supposed to do Saturday but cannot remember what it is. That and the apartment is still an unholy wreck and I will not be able to live with myself if I don’t get those boxes out of the living room properly so…. we’ll see. Ugh. (And I’m not a hypocrite, because I cringe whenever I’m necessarily vague as well. So there.)

And there’s something else that’s plaguing me: the 80/20 time management thing. Last week it was part of the Hip Tranquil Chick podcast and last night the Bard emailed me a link to a not-to-do list that also mentioned it (which I’m /not/ going to link to because I took an instant dislike to that toady, bombastic guy who compiled the list and the lifestyle he lives based on the efforts of others and outsourcing to overseas virtual assistants… oh don’t get me started again!). On top of that I know it had come up before the HTC podcast but I dont know where.

So there it is, repetition of this concept, only I can’t get my head around it. I mean, yeah, I looked it up and it was an old Italian economist who noticed that 80% of the wealth belonged to 20% of the people. Which I get. And I get that the ratio is in effect in other places, too. And that his theory is that 80% of effects come from only 20% of causes. So invest your ’causes’ wisely or some such. But when I read it in relation to time management I seem to hear it backwards: that 80% of your effort produces only 20% of your outcome, so you need to minimize the fluff in that 80%. Only that just doesn’t jive with what the economist dude was trying to say at all. I don’t know, it’s making my head hurt (again).

Anyway, another (better) principle that I’ve heard a lot from the HTC podcast in particular is living mindfully, living with intention. I think I will have a better shot at that than this 80/20 thing. Basically (and it was repeated today when I listened to this week’s podcast on the writing life–great interview, btw, really rather inspiring, though don’t expect to hear about me getting up at 5am to meditate and then write for 3 hours before breakfast) each day, each parcel of your life, you should set an intention for that time and keep that in mind throughout the day (etc.) and what you do will work towards that goal.

Of course, it’s possible to have more than one intention going at a time. For instance, my current intentions are to stick to my eHow contract, keep up the webcomic schedule, eat healthily, and try and stay more calm. Oh, and work with my budget more… but that one already sorta had a falter this month, next month I’ll try again! (See, calm, accepting, not stressing about it.) But the guy in the interview (Jeff Davis, I looked it up) talked about each morning in his meditation/yoga time (10 minutes of prep for 3 hours of writing… what was that about 80/20? lol) he would set an intention for that session, like finding a new beginning for chapter three or whatever, but basically to have a single, main intention and use that for the day.

So, my intention today was to write the next article tonight. And I did. No, it’s not submission-ready, but that wasn’t the point. I suppose I had a second intention once I got home: to cook dinner and clean the kitchen. And that’s done, too. So, for the day, I made it. Sure I’ve had the attention span of a hummingbird the last couple of days at work, but my work got done (mainly because that’s what I’m there to do and while the internet is a bit of a distraction, work ethic usually keeps me from over-indulging). It’s at home, when my time is less structured that I need the reminder. Even though I’ve yet to master meditation (please, getting brain-train to slow down to one track only happens in two situations, and neither of them are conducive to productivity–neither of those are sleeping, btw), still, just declaring an intention (to myself, quietly, and reminding myself as needed) seems to help.

I’ll decide tomorrows intention in the morning, right now my only intention is to not spook myself too badly as I finish the chapter on Pere Dagobert in “Haunted New Orleans.” Why do I do these things to myself???

That’s what I wish I were in the middle of

So, after Friday-night’s entry I’ll bet you thought I was done for the night and heading for bed. Me too. Then I got some freakish second wind and stayed up til two or three in the morning pulling stuff out of the Abyss. I got enough done so that I could at least drag the 6-foot table over to its new position. There was still a pile of stuff in the center of the room that was mostly magazines I needed to go through. Rather than drag them out and add even more clutter to the rest of my apartment (oh my word, the chaos, y’all… it’s spreading!!!) I just left them where they were (lazy!) and worked around them.

Apparently the hellacious storm knocked out the power just after I went to sleep because the clocks were blinking when I got up just shy of noon. I moved some more stuff, went through the first few magazines, then decided to escape for a bit.

Chelsea and Van have opened a new bookstore: Word Traffic Books on Lafayette (between Lindy’s and Wooly Bully) and their grand opening was Saturday so I had to go check them out. Very cool space. I didn’t get a chance to go back and knit today but maybe next week. Go by and, uh, go buy! lol

Other errands of the day included Office Depot, World Market, and Dollar Tree. Then home for more organizing. I finally got around to working on the lamb again, only to have the weather turn bad. I didn’t want to end up with the power going out mid-roast so I stopped and waited, then after an hour the storm died down. Well, rats. By the time I started (again) it was way too late to roast it that night, and just as well as the lightening started up again! It was not my night… But I did manage, over the course of the day, to assemble the new bookcase and go through a full stack of magazines, reducing it from a full foot to a mere inch and a half of tear-sheets. I still have a /lot/ of work to do before this space is workable (not to mention getting the choas out of the rest of my apartment) but it’s on the horizon!

Then the weirdest thing happened: I had a dream about a guy–that I know! Now, y’all have to understand that I almost never dream about people I know. Almost all of the figures in my dreams are strangers, composites, etc. Occasionally I’ll dream about someone I haven’t seen or talked to for a while (so then I’ll go an call–or, rather, email–them to see how they’re doing). But I seldom dream about people I’m actively in contact with. Except this one guy. Now, you’d think that since RockStar just called I would have dreamed about him but nooo… It’s this other guy. And all we are is friends, he’s a great guy from what I know, and it’s not like I’m having sex-dreams about him about him or anything, actually in this last dream he was a bit of an ass (which is usually not the case), but he keeps. showing. up.

Back to the title of this post: If this were like a Friday or Saturday night, the mood I’m in would have me getting dressed up and heading out to a club. I’m just in one of those moods where I really want to find some trouble to get into, just to shake things up a bit, but the timing’s bad so I’ll be Miss Goodie-two-shoes, work on the Abyss some more, watch Army Wives and head to bed. Sigh…

Today was /not/ the gentle slide into the second part of the week. Oh no, my friend, not by a long shot.

First there was introspection. This wasn’t bad, it just led to overtaxing the brain way too early and a smidge of crankiness about mid-morning. Mostly having to do with the altruism of art, and whether art can really fulfill its destiny if it’s not shared. Even the most obscure piece of art is the artist trying to convey something. If no one sees it, it’s essentially the same as a tree falling in an empty forest. Does it make a sound? Does it serve it’s purpose? Are any artists truly altruistic, doing art solely for their own eyes and fulfilling art’s mission? I told you it was introspective. Might still get a good op-ed sort of piece out of it, if I can corral the thoughts together.

Then there was a bit of a freak-out mid-afternoon. Granted, existential crises are generally not a good thing, this one wasn’t really bad, it just harbinged a moment of clarity that I’m not quite fond of. I’m not panicking or taking drastic measures of any sort, it was just one of those ‘Oh. Hell.’ moments. Basically, if you’re only as good as your last [insert benchmark here], what do my most recent (and recent is oh-so-relative) relationships say about me? And by this I mean long-term (though that’s a relative concept as well). MrSoCal was certainly meaningful, but it was brief, so I have a hard time considering it my ‘last great love’ (no offense, if you’re reading this, MrSoCal, but if you really think about it I think you’ll agree). So that leaves the debacle that fell between the last divorce and MrSoCal which has been over almost a year now. I /really/ don’t want to be identified by that mess, so what’s a girl to do?

Let me reiterate: I am not panicking. Nor am I about to delve into online dating again (ugh, been there, done that about 8 years ago and that’s really all there is to say about that). Nor, yet, am I evaluating every single man I know as a possible paramour. No. Do not take this as Scraps is desparate. I really do appreciate the finer points of solitude and being my own person and independent. The wonder that maybe I’ve used up my ‘chances,’ romantically speaking, is not fear inducing (because, really, I think I’ve had at least my share and maybe another person’s as well) but is met with immediate acceptance. Unfortunate, but c’est la vie.

And palmie and I discussed it, as we’re prone to do, and she opined that what I look for in general (mutual respect, understanding, honest communication, and non-stifling companionship while retaining both parties independence) is not, if fact, hard to find… it’s freaking impossible. I’m inclined to agree. Of course, then we deviated into discussing the merits of vulgar humor within 14 messages and decided that we deserved medals for that sort of segue.

But wait, there’s more.

Because these things happen in threes, of course I would get an email regarding some changes to my current writing agreement that would send me into a momentary tizzy just as I was girding my brain for some code-hacking of the Oldenfeld site. Of course, it was due. I managed to compose a coherent email detailing my main concerns, received some clarifications, and we were able to reach a compromise that everyone is good with. Whew! Still, for a minute things seemed rather pear-shaped.

I got no research done tonight, but I did get content updates done. There are more which I’ll try to fit around the meeting tomorrow night and chip away at things throughout the weekend. I also need to solidify a writing schedule for this month, my workout schedule, and spend some more time on Random Acts… before the weekend is out. It seems like a lot, but the benefit is that I have absolutely no other plans, so it’s doable. I think that’s my theme for this evening: it’s doable!

As much as I may hate to admit it (striving to be an enlightened and conscientous human being and all) I have them–I think we all do. I fully admit that they are archaic and not quite fair, but all the same I have trouble when those standards (as I would with any standards) are broken.

One main realm is sexuality. Speaking of archaic, I’m much more understanding of a woman in her twenties who is still a virgin. Granted, if she’s thirty-something and still pure as the driven snow then I’m hoping someone at least gifted her with an X-mart gift certificate but still, okay. Now a man, on the other hand. If he’s reached his late twenties without some practical knowledge of a woman’s body I’m hoping he has the good sense to hire an escort (practicing safely!) just to get the basics down. There is nothing more mood-killing than being half-naked when that bomb is dropped. Well, okay, there is, but it’s a tough call.

The other is tears. Notice I did not say emotion: I mean tears. I have a very hard time respecting a man who boo-hoos like a baby. Idealistic though it may be, if a man has to cry in my presence someone had better be dead or dying and I expect a silent tear or two trickling over a strong jaw. I should clarify, however, that this isn’t a true double standard, it’s more of a one and a half. You see, I don’t think women should lose it in public either.

Sure, I cry, I break down on occasion and no, it’s not always for logical reasons: but I do it behind closed doors whenever possible. It’s just more polite that way. So a man can cry when he needs to, behind closed doors, work things out emotionally to begin with and then? if he wants to talk about things sans tears? I’m there. And I really do expect the same from myself so maybe it’s not even a one and a half standard?

Even if it is, I’m not liable to change it at this point in the game.

I like my independence. I like knowing that I control my day-to-day, my schedule, my choices. I like knowing that the people or things that do take up my time are there because I allow it, and if one gets too onerous I can block it out. These are some of the many reasons I choose to stay single.

But there are times, oh, there are times.

Times when the quiet of my apartment does get to me just a little. Times when I wouldn’t mind there being someone to talk to, someone to be cute for, someone to intrigue just a little.

When I’m down I do appreciate the solitude. I prefer my breakdowns to not have witnesses. And we all have them–anyone who’s never had a low moment and just lost it, completely and utterly broken, are either lying, overdue, or seriously medicated against such things. It’s natural.

But then there are nights when it’s quiet, calm, and you don’t really need anything from yourself or anything else. Those are the nights when it would just be wonderful to lean your head on a sympathetic shoulder and appreciate that particular moment. That’s what I miss: Permission to lean.

For the right reasons, you might still feel like the bad-guy [girl], at least for a little while.

Oh well.

So it’s Monday! Wohoo! Um, yeah… But there are plans to make and numbers to crunch and a decision to wheedle out of Mom on her birthday stuff. We seem to be in an impasse: Cruise that will be mega-fun but only 4 of us can afford to go on or beach house for a week that 8 of us can use at various times but can Mom keep herself entertained for a week on St George Island??? But it’s not my decision (which is frustrating because originally it was going to be all my decision, me and Mom on a cruise ship, her getting her life-long wish, etc etc etc.) Phhfffft!

I feel like I need a new diversion, a jump-start if you will, but I don’t see myself as having time or energy for one right now. Such is the paradox, no? On the other hand, I will have plenty of time all to myself to work on my projects. Yup. Plenty of time. This is a good thing. Maybe tonight–after staring at iWeb for a couple of hours–I might tackle some more of the Abyss. Yes, that can be it. Spring cleaning and all that jazz. Maybe even find the patch-kit for Priscilla (the inflatible dress dummy named by Izzie, fabulous name btw, but it makes me want to add feathers…). Not that I would keep her inflated if I did patch her. Please… I’m so spooked by my own shadows some nights that I have to check all closets and cabinets for lurking beings, even to the point of looking behind the TRANSLUCENT shower curtain. Because I’m a dork and slightly OCD such that if I make the mistake of checking one place before bed I have to check them all or the paranoia gets to me. So can you see me not freaking out if I had the shape of a body somewhere in my apartment? Yeah, me neither.